Hi I'm Dave

“I was born a Poor black child.” - Some jerk named Steve Martin

My mother would often tell me how on the day I was born, the nurses paraded me around the maternity ward, exclaiming at what a beautiful and cute, perfect baby I was. It's been all down hill since. Not really. That's just for dramatic flair. I'm a super fortunate human who wants to share with other humans.

A N Y W A Y S . . .

I grew up thinking I was Jewish✡️. This was largely due to my brothers and I having Bible names of prominent Jews, my mom sounded like a character from a Mel Brooks film, my hair was curly, and I was the complexion of Elmer's glue.

You know. Stereotypes.

Plot twist. I'm 100% Puerto Rican🇵🇷.

The Puerto Rican Revelation

I was about 12 years old when I stopped thinking about my first name and started thinking about my last. In my imaginations flashback sequence, I'm in my childhood kitchen, sitting at the table with a plate of classic Puerto Rican🇵🇷cuisine. There are people arguing in Spanish and Tito Puente is on and he sounds goooood.

I'd think to myself, Where does 'Soto' come from?, and my imagi-mom stops arguing to spit out, "You're a gen-u-ine Rican! You're grandparents were born in P.R. How did you not know this." Then she turns back to arguing in spanglish with some victim, not missing a beat.

Once I learned I wasn’t Jewish, but was instead Puerto Rican🇵🇷, I would proudly pronounce this to my class on the first day of school. It felt like the most impressive trait about me. It was as much a shock to me as it was my new classmates. My pasty white complexion threw us all off.

Since then, I've come to learn a bit about Puerto Rico and being a Puerto Rican. Spoiler: It wasn't Spanish. Suck on the Columbus!

The Heinz Variety of My Ancestry

Ricans are, as mom likes to say, a “Heinz variety, babay!.” I like to think we’re the Mutts of the human race, taking the best traits of various ethnicities. Mutts always seem to be built better than pure breeds. Science tells us that makes sense, Hybrid vigor, they call it.

GPT: "Indeed, humans can also experience the benefits of genetic diversity through 'outbreeding enhancement' or 'hybrid vigor', potentially leading to healthier, taller, more intelligent, and more attractive offspring, although these outcomes are influenced by a multitude of factors."

In truth. Puerto Ricans are like much of the rest of the conquered world. We're an anthropological reminder of the shit heel conquistadors that raped and enslaved their way across the our homeland .a little over 500 years ago. So it goes. The diversity in Puerto Rican genes is astounding, yet sad. (Authors note: obligatory F🖕🏾🫵🏽K Columbus)

The island became a cash cow, hence the name "Rich Port". Those greedy pricks saw how fertile the beautiful land was. Not to mention having a free workforce. All they had to do was lie to and enslave the native Taíno. The peaceful and civilized natives were told that the invaders were gods and had European technology to back up their claim.

Squeezing the island of all she was, was the state of affairs then, and it's the state of affairs now. We all know who to blame....THE MAN....But for real, the US government is still sucking Puerto Rico for all she's got.

Look it up, I'm moving on.

Embracing My Multicultural Identity

My wide and I did an Ancestry DNA test this year and it came back showing me what I already knew. I was a bottle of Heinz variety. Not 47, just 16 different ingredients in this wild child.

But THE most interesting piece of info was not that I am 14% Taíno, which is so damn cool btw, NOR was it that my 36% Th(s)paniard🇪🇸 is to blame for my skin’s sun aversion. No doubt a karmic curse for the sins of my Thpanish ancestry.

It was the 3% JEWISH✡️ that blew my socks off. I was over the moon happy. Still am.

So now I have another ancestral history to look into and find all the wonderful ways JEWS were treated throughout history.

Humans are something else, I tell you hwut.

So there ya have it. you now know about as much about me as I know about my heritage. My name is David. I'm a star.✡️

Dave

PS: I don't use many emojis but this piece just called for it.